One Word

So I know I haven't posted in.... months.  Yes, months.  I am ashamed.  It's been nuts here.  As soon as we finally got over the cycle of literally dozens of colds and fevers this winter, we then had a series of visitors, trips and events that continued the craziness.  Good craziness, though.  Lots of great stuff has been going on.

Actually, I have a draft of an entry I was going to post weeks ago telling you all about it and never did.  But then something happened that I decided I needed to share first so that other entry is just going to have to wait.  This is just too good.

For those of you that have been following my blog for a couple of years, you may recall that it was one of my goals when we were in Hawaii to work on having joy, peace and patience in all circumstances in my life.  I have been working on these disciplines ever since, but in the past few months I have really felt the Lord steering me to focus specifically on one of these: Joy.  In my Bible study, we're going through the book of John and a couple months ago, we were sharing our favorite verses from the study so far.  Mine was John 12:46 and it's Jesus speaking: "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark."  This struck me as my reason to have joy.  No matter how dark my world seems at times, Jesus is the light that overcomes it all.  And if I put my trust in him, I have access to his light!  I want to be joyful because I want to reflect that light for other people to see what joy can be found in Jesus.  

So this revelation a couple months ago led me to remind myself often to "choose joy", a slogan that I even looked on Pinterest for to find some crafty way of putting a visual reminder in my house somewhere.... which, I never did.... but it was my prayer and focus for a few weeks.  

Until slowly but surely, it wasn't.

Until things got crazy and I let myself get overcome by my stressful circumstances.

Until in despair, I started focusing on all I had to get done instead of my source of happiness that is bigger than all of it.

A couple weekends ago, I found myself at the pinnacle of my stress and anxiety.  It was Sunday afternoon and I had a million things to do to prepare for the upcoming weeks.  I was totally overwhelmed by it.  To top it off, Jon and I got in a huge fight (which I didn't realize until after was because I had been taking my stress out on him for some time).  He took Everett to the park to get out of the house for awhile and in survival mode, I proceeded to get Hazel and I ready to go do my errands.  We headed out to the parking lot only to find that Jon had taken the car with Hazel's carseat and stroller.  I was stranded.  This led to about five minutes of fuming anger and freaking out....  Eventually, I regained my composure enough to dig out an old, dusty umbrella stroller and I decided I at least had to get some fresh air.  We walked around outside for awhile, frequently checking back to see if the car was back but each time it wasn't.  Eventually, I gave up on the car and the errands and in defeat I walked Hazel to a grassy area down the street and we sat and played.  My mind was racing about everything I wouldn't be able to get done and about the fight Jon and I had.  I didn't know how I was going to get everything done and resolve things with Jon with no time.  I thought, God, how am I going to do all this?!  When it was time to go back home for Hazel's nap, I was absolutely dreading it.  I felt sick with anxiety about what I was going to come home to.  I dragged the stroller through the grass and as soon as I hit the sidewalk, I saw it.

There, in the exact place I stood, written in chalk, was the word, "Joy".  Nothing else around it - no other chalk markings or words.  Just one word from my Savior to me.

I was completely stunned and in total awe.  I felt so humbled that even though I had lost complete sight of what God wanted for me, he still drew me back to him in his love for me.  Jesus wanted me to know that he was still with me, offering me his comfort and joy.  Suddenly, I had new perspective about my situation.  I knew I could trust him to carry me through and make it all work out in ways only he could.

A couple days later, I received even more confirmation that he was with me, offering this message.  I was at a moms' group and we had a special guest speaker.  I thought her talk was a little scattered and I was having a hard time following her.  I remember thinking, What do you want me to get out of this, God?  And then he answered.  She referenced a Bible verse that I had never heard before, from Habakkuk, of all books (who has ever had a favorite verse from Habakkuk??).  She read, 

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord!  I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! (Hab 3:17-18).  

Tears fell down my cheeks because that was exactly what I needed to hear.  The Lord reminded me again that no matter what is going on around me, I need to be joyful because I no longer remain in the dark.  I have salvation in the Light of Life.  Jesus.  And I need to be reflecting that light wherever I go, despite the circumstances in my life.

For the past couple weeks since, I have had several opportunities to share this story with others who have been encouraged by it just like I was.  And although it is a work in progress, I have been faced with the hard task of choosing joy, even when I'm tempted to despair instead.  But through it all, I have felt Jesus with me, shining his light in the darkest places of my anxiety.  In his grace, he is constantly reminding me that my joy is not found in checking off my to do list or being perfectly prepared for the upcoming events.  It is found in the hope that he brings to the world.  It is the joy of my salvation.  The joy in knowing I will never be alone or in the dark again.

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, "I am the light of the world.  If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.  John 8:12